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Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back
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Maison Cox
Mr. Kerr
English II
February 21, 2018
It didn't get easier, I got stronger
8th grade was definitely not an enjoyable time. Junior high is that awkward in between stage. Am I a kid? Am I a young adult? I have no idea. Being weirdly tall compared to other girls, having braces, and lack of hair and makeup skills were not a good combination. Emotions ran high during this time. Girls definitely weren’t always the nicest. Popularity mattered to most of them a lot more than anything else. For sensitive, quiet girls like me it was hard to fit in. It was only first semester and time after time girls I thought were friends, girls I thought were lifelong best friends chose popularity over true friendship, disclude me, and not treat me the way I deserved be treated. I always cared and loved others more than they cared and loved me. I truly care about everyone's feelings and I made it a priority to be kind to everyone and to give everyone a chance. I was constantly being hurt to the point I didn't know if my fragile heart could take much more. But I was getting good grades, I had Caitlin, my only close friend of 7 years I knew I could trust, and the support of my family to help me through this stage in my life.
My Mom and I became especially close during this time, I told her everything and she was my shoulder to cry on. She has always been the most caring, loving person. At the age of 12 I had already learned so much from her. She became my best friend. I trusted her with everything, from what to wear to advice on boys. She supported all of my decisions. I made quite a few guy friends my 8th grade year as well. Julio, Thomas, Ethan, Sam, and plenty of others. We were all very close and they were always there for me. I knew I could trust them in ways I couldn’t trust others.
It was the first day back after winter break. The beginning of a new semester I looked at it as a fresh start. I walked into the lunchroom to see I had nowhere to sit. My old best friends were now sitting at a table across the room with their new “popular” friends. I inch further, looking for open spaces when I hear someone say “Maison, come sit by us”. I looked over to see it was Katie standing and pointing to an open seat in the middle of her table. I walked over and sat down in the chair where I was greeted by Katie, Rachel, Lindsay, Zoey, and Chloe. Almost all of the girls were in a few of my classes throughout the day. Over the semester we had all gotten really close. I became especially close with Zoey. They were my best friends. I finally had a friend group, a group of girls that actually cared about me. They made me feel like I mattered. I had people to go to the mall with, have sleepovers, and walk in the halls with.
Us friends would occasionally have little arguments, usually it was between the other girls. Typical Junior High issues, nothing serious. We had good relationships and I could see our friendships lasting through High School. We continued to progress through the year. We always had a lot of fun, going to sports games, hanging out outside of school, helping each other with the hard 8th grade homework, and so many other things.
It was nearing the end of the school year. The 8th grade dance. I had done a lot to get ready for the dance. I had ideas for my hair and makeup, I had bought my cute lacy white dress and silver sandals. I was set on bringing in some color into my outfit by doing pink and white eyeshadow. At lunch a day before the dance I was talking with the girls about what they were planning on doing for their hair and makeup. They were all commenting their ideas. Katie then talked about how she hated pink and white eyeshadow and that it looked ugly. This really hurt my feelings but I brushed it off. A few days later at lunch the girls were talking when I walked in. I sat down and started talking and they all went quiet and looked at me. They continued to look at me and then at each other and continued their conversations without acknowledging that I was even there. I sat the entire lunch period listening to all of their conversations and acted like I couldn't tell they were whispering about me.
I had no idea what was going on. Why weren't my friends talking to me? I had grown so close to Zoey and she hadn’t said a word to me all day. I was talking to my guy friend Sam and he told me that she along with the rest of the girls were mad at me. I hadn’t done anything wrong so what could possibly be the problem? I was very confused. When I got home that day I sat down with my mom. I didn't have to even say a word and she knew something was off. She can always tell when something is wrong. She asked me what happened and without having a chance to tell her I burst out crying. I tell her how everyone was mad at me for no reason and I didnt know what to do. She always had the best advice, she told me I should work through it and bring up a nice conversation with them.
At this point in my life I was very busy with keeping my grades up and doing well in sports. I had volleyball a few nights a week and it was hard dealing with all of the stress I had on me especially with the issues that were going on at the moment. I wanted to just forget the whole situation with my friends, it was hard because every single one of my friends had turned on me for reasons I had no idea. On my way to volleyball I sent all the girls a message in a group text. I was tired of not knowing, I was tired of continuing to be ignored every single day for reasons I had no clue about. I just wanted to know why all of my closest friends had turned on me. I missed them and all of the laughs and fun we had. When they replied they blamed me for things I never did. They said I was a terrible person, that I was pathetic, a liar, a bad friend. I had never done a single bad thing to any of these girls yet this was happening.
I would try to bring up how I felt at the lunch table but no one would reply. I would attempt to talk it out in the group chat but all they wanted to do was call me names and say terrible things about me. I knew from the start of the group chat of the situation that Katie was behind this. During our friendship she had never truly cared. She would constantly put on a fake face and try to impress other girls she wanted to be friends with or boys that she liked. I would be crying, typing in the group chat, really trying to work things out because everything had been fine before and she would tell me to “Check yourself b4 you wreck yourself”. I would be telling the truth, denying all the lies she was throwing out and she would say, “Don’t play games with me”. I could see it now. I wasn't the one playing games, it was her. I continued to sit in my assigned seat at lunch being ignored until the last day of school.
She had been talking behind my back to the other girls the whole time in an effort to put them against me. She saw me as a threat to her power, the power she had over that friend group. My guy friends confirmed that she had been saying terrible things about me to them, but they knew how nice I was, they trusted that I would never do the things she said I was. She didn't want me to “steal her spot” in the group. She wanted them all to herself and she wanted me out of the picture. I would never be rude to any of them, they were my best friends and I truly cared about them with all of my heart after they invited me in second semester but Katie specifically could not care less about me.
Some of the girls were so far gone. They were so caught up in Katies lies about me, I felt no need to try and make up with Chloe or Zoey although we were very clothes. I was going on a trip to Washington DC less than a month into summer with Rachel and Lindsay so my mom was sure to help set up a time where we could all talk and work things out so that I wasn’t going to be alone on the trip. It was hard for them, I could tell. They explained to me how Katie pushed them to think a certain way about me. They told me about how they knew at the time that what they were doing wasn't right but they didn't want to be with me on the opposite side of Katie’s anger. They did not want to be targeted by her as well and I understood that. I could never forgive Katie for what she did to me. For how much she hurt me. I couldn’t understand how I hadn't seen how fake and cold hearted she was before this situation. With my big heart I loved all of my friends but at this moment I saw how not everyone feels the same way about their friends, about me. This was the second time my 8th grade year that girls chose popularity and power over a true friend.
I’m not going to lie, these toxic friendships broke my heart. I was in a dark place for quite awhile. I was very alone, sad, and just very hurt. My Mom and I became even closer, she was my best friend through all of this. When I struggled to understand she would give me advice. She taught me to be the bigger person, to shake it off because I deserve better. She taught me that Katie did not do this because of anything I did, but out of jealousy. She was jealous that I am the way that I am. She mistook my loving open heart for weakness, but she had no idea that behind my quiet fragile curtain was a strong girl that won’t be pushed around. She thought she could knock me down and I would be nothing without them.
After all the friendships ended, the friendships fixed, and the tears I am so much stronger. I am still vulnerable and I still have an open heart but I have learned to be careful who I trust, to only pick the good ones. I have support from the people I love. I now have a group of amazing friends all in different grades and groups. True friendships that after learning all that I have, I know will last. I have everything I could ever ask for and I couldn't be happier. Those times were very hard on me but I honestly would not be the same me that I am today if it hadn't have happened. I look back on this experience and I see it as a learning experience and sometimes I am thankful because it really opened my eyes to how the real world is and how not everyone is as nice as many people think. I have kept quiet about these girls, I even changed most of their names in this to conceal their identities. I have so many things I could say to people to turn people against them just like Katie did to me but with lies. But I keep my mouth shut because hope they have matured and grown up and are happy now. I hope that they will find the ability to create true friendships. I hope that they can care for their new friends the way I cared about them.
Mr. Kerr
English II
February 21, 2018
It didn't get easier, I got stronger
8th grade was definitely not an enjoyable time. Junior high is that awkward in between stage. Am I a kid? Am I a young adult? I have no idea. Being weirdly tall compared to other girls, having braces, and lack of hair and makeup skills were not a good combination. Emotions ran high during this time. Girls definitely weren’t always the nicest. Popularity mattered to most of them a lot more than anything else. For sensitive, quiet girls like me it was hard to fit in. It was only first semester and time after time girls I thought were friends, girls I thought were lifelong best friends chose popularity over true friendship, disclude me, and not treat me the way I deserved be treated. I always cared and loved others more than they cared and loved me. I truly care about everyone's feelings and I made it a priority to be kind to everyone and to give everyone a chance. I was constantly being hurt to the point I didn't know if my fragile heart could take much more. But I was getting good grades, I had Caitlin, my only close friend of 7 years I knew I could trust, and the support of my family to help me through this stage in my life.
My Mom and I became especially close during this time, I told her everything and she was my shoulder to cry on. She has always been the most caring, loving person. At the age of 12 I had already learned so much from her. She became my best friend. I trusted her with everything, from what to wear to advice on boys. She supported all of my decisions. I made quite a few guy friends my 8th grade year as well. Julio, Thomas, Ethan, Sam, and plenty of others. We were all very close and they were always there for me. I knew I could trust them in ways I couldn’t trust others.
It was the first day back after winter break. The beginning of a new semester I looked at it as a fresh start. I walked into the lunchroom to see I had nowhere to sit. My old best friends were now sitting at a table across the room with their new “popular” friends. I inch further, looking for open spaces when I hear someone say “Maison, come sit by us”. I looked over to see it was Katie standing and pointing to an open seat in the middle of her table. I walked over and sat down in the chair where I was greeted by Katie, Rachel, Lindsay, Zoey, and Chloe. Almost all of the girls were in a few of my classes throughout the day. Over the semester we had all gotten really close. I became especially close with Zoey. They were my best friends. I finally had a friend group, a group of girls that actually cared about me. They made me feel like I mattered. I had people to go to the mall with, have sleepovers, and walk in the halls with.
Us friends would occasionally have little arguments, usually it was between the other girls. Typical Junior High issues, nothing serious. We had good relationships and I could see our friendships lasting through High School. We continued to progress through the year. We always had a lot of fun, going to sports games, hanging out outside of school, helping each other with the hard 8th grade homework, and so many other things.
It was nearing the end of the school year. The 8th grade dance. I had done a lot to get ready for the dance. I had ideas for my hair and makeup, I had bought my cute lacy white dress and silver sandals. I was set on bringing in some color into my outfit by doing pink and white eyeshadow. At lunch a day before the dance I was talking with the girls about what they were planning on doing for their hair and makeup. They were all commenting their ideas. Katie then talked about how she hated pink and white eyeshadow and that it looked ugly. This really hurt my feelings but I brushed it off. A few days later at lunch the girls were talking when I walked in. I sat down and started talking and they all went quiet and looked at me. They continued to look at me and then at each other and continued their conversations without acknowledging that I was even there. I sat the entire lunch period listening to all of their conversations and acted like I couldn't tell they were whispering about me.
I had no idea what was going on. Why weren't my friends talking to me? I had grown so close to Zoey and she hadn’t said a word to me all day. I was talking to my guy friend Sam and he told me that she along with the rest of the girls were mad at me. I hadn’t done anything wrong so what could possibly be the problem? I was very confused. When I got home that day I sat down with my mom. I didn't have to even say a word and she knew something was off. She can always tell when something is wrong. She asked me what happened and without having a chance to tell her I burst out crying. I tell her how everyone was mad at me for no reason and I didnt know what to do. She always had the best advice, she told me I should work through it and bring up a nice conversation with them.
At this point in my life I was very busy with keeping my grades up and doing well in sports. I had volleyball a few nights a week and it was hard dealing with all of the stress I had on me especially with the issues that were going on at the moment. I wanted to just forget the whole situation with my friends, it was hard because every single one of my friends had turned on me for reasons I had no idea. On my way to volleyball I sent all the girls a message in a group text. I was tired of not knowing, I was tired of continuing to be ignored every single day for reasons I had no clue about. I just wanted to know why all of my closest friends had turned on me. I missed them and all of the laughs and fun we had. When they replied they blamed me for things I never did. They said I was a terrible person, that I was pathetic, a liar, a bad friend. I had never done a single bad thing to any of these girls yet this was happening.
I would try to bring up how I felt at the lunch table but no one would reply. I would attempt to talk it out in the group chat but all they wanted to do was call me names and say terrible things about me. I knew from the start of the group chat of the situation that Katie was behind this. During our friendship she had never truly cared. She would constantly put on a fake face and try to impress other girls she wanted to be friends with or boys that she liked. I would be crying, typing in the group chat, really trying to work things out because everything had been fine before and she would tell me to “Check yourself b4 you wreck yourself”. I would be telling the truth, denying all the lies she was throwing out and she would say, “Don’t play games with me”. I could see it now. I wasn't the one playing games, it was her. I continued to sit in my assigned seat at lunch being ignored until the last day of school.
She had been talking behind my back to the other girls the whole time in an effort to put them against me. She saw me as a threat to her power, the power she had over that friend group. My guy friends confirmed that she had been saying terrible things about me to them, but they knew how nice I was, they trusted that I would never do the things she said I was. She didn't want me to “steal her spot” in the group. She wanted them all to herself and she wanted me out of the picture. I would never be rude to any of them, they were my best friends and I truly cared about them with all of my heart after they invited me in second semester but Katie specifically could not care less about me.
Some of the girls were so far gone. They were so caught up in Katies lies about me, I felt no need to try and make up with Chloe or Zoey although we were very clothes. I was going on a trip to Washington DC less than a month into summer with Rachel and Lindsay so my mom was sure to help set up a time where we could all talk and work things out so that I wasn’t going to be alone on the trip. It was hard for them, I could tell. They explained to me how Katie pushed them to think a certain way about me. They told me about how they knew at the time that what they were doing wasn't right but they didn't want to be with me on the opposite side of Katie’s anger. They did not want to be targeted by her as well and I understood that. I could never forgive Katie for what she did to me. For how much she hurt me. I couldn’t understand how I hadn't seen how fake and cold hearted she was before this situation. With my big heart I loved all of my friends but at this moment I saw how not everyone feels the same way about their friends, about me. This was the second time my 8th grade year that girls chose popularity and power over a true friend.
I’m not going to lie, these toxic friendships broke my heart. I was in a dark place for quite awhile. I was very alone, sad, and just very hurt. My Mom and I became even closer, she was my best friend through all of this. When I struggled to understand she would give me advice. She taught me to be the bigger person, to shake it off because I deserve better. She taught me that Katie did not do this because of anything I did, but out of jealousy. She was jealous that I am the way that I am. She mistook my loving open heart for weakness, but she had no idea that behind my quiet fragile curtain was a strong girl that won’t be pushed around. She thought she could knock me down and I would be nothing without them.
After all the friendships ended, the friendships fixed, and the tears I am so much stronger. I am still vulnerable and I still have an open heart but I have learned to be careful who I trust, to only pick the good ones. I have support from the people I love. I now have a group of amazing friends all in different grades and groups. True friendships that after learning all that I have, I know will last. I have everything I could ever ask for and I couldn't be happier. Those times were very hard on me but I honestly would not be the same me that I am today if it hadn't have happened. I look back on this experience and I see it as a learning experience and sometimes I am thankful because it really opened my eyes to how the real world is and how not everyone is as nice as many people think. I have kept quiet about these girls, I even changed most of their names in this to conceal their identities. I have so many things I could say to people to turn people against them just like Katie did to me but with lies. But I keep my mouth shut because hope they have matured and grown up and are happy now. I hope that they will find the ability to create true friendships. I hope that they can care for their new friends the way I cared about them.